5 More College Idiots

A few months back, I created, not one, but two lists of the type of moronic characters that are so easily found on most college campuses. Sure, I could have kept the list down to the five most visible, most broad stereotypes, but just as people are diverse, so are idiots. There are so many different flavors of stupidity and aggravation, that it's hard not to dish on every single one.




Therefore, I felt it was time to expand the list once again. After all, it's not just the pranksters or the overly studious that annoy us to no end and prevent us from sleeping, no — it's practically everybody! Well...almost.





-The Know-It-All, Hippie Philosophy Student - I have a lot of respect for people who study philosophy, really, I do. Though I can't imagine what they intend to do with their degree once they get it, the research and reading they have to do is difficult and requires a lot of patience. That said, some of them are also the most annoying people on the planet.

They think they see the futility in things like exercise and eating smart, and wonder why people bother to get up before noon. They then stay up all night reading books with extremely small print and scribbling in their tiny moleskin notebooks, taking short breaks only to mooch pot off the guys upstairs and to cook egg sandwiches. When they finally wake up the following day, they tell you about the revelation they had while you were asleep. You then proceed to face-palm yourself.



-The Guitar Guy - While it can be a chore to live with the musically obsessed, it's potentially even worse to live with someone who's got six strings and a story to tell. They want everybody to know who they are, and that they can give Jimmy Page a run for his money. Forget partying, this guy'll shred from dusk to dawn, taking breaks only to piss and vainly attempt to find people who want to jam. He'll claim to be in love with his instrument and claim that "Women are irrelevant", that is, until one shows even the slightest interest in his craft.



[...guilty as charged.]



-Mr. OneUpsMan - This one's real simple. No matter what you've done in your life, this guy's done it too, but better. You went base jumping? He went skydiving...without a chute. You've slept with five women? He's slept with ten. You took a huge dump this morning? He shat two solid gold bricks. That's just the way it goes with this guy. If you find you can't ignore him, though, the best thing to do is call his bluff. Tell him about how gonorrhriffic your urine's been lately (a lie, obviously...I should hope.)and see how long it takes him to start pissing fire.



-The Girl That Won't Leave - So one of your roommates has befriended a girl from the dorm building across the quad. She's decided that you and your band of misfits are the absolute raddest dudes ever and has made it her solemn duty to become one with the douchebaggery. Except, she's overly bubbly, just a little clueless and doesn't know when she's overstayed her welcome. She'll insert herself into situations where she doesn't belong, take up space and generally just get in the way. Solution? Start locking the door and having everyone screen their calls.



-The Girl That Takes Partying Too Seriously - For some, she's a blessing. For most, she's a curse. She's at every single one of your parties, and she's makes sure to be the loudest, most obnoxious, most visible one there. She's in every picture, had at least one shot of everything available, but probably more, and has made a move on nearly every guy in attendance, and at least two or three girls. Clothes are just a hindrance to her, and she'll have sex on your bed or hump someone in your hallway without a second thought. The worst part — there's no way to stop her. You just have to wait until she's tired herself out or the booze has dried up.



What other kinds of college idiots are there?